


The smell of sex

by DangerRollins



Series: Carl finds himself [26]
Category: Shameless - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Boys In Love, Falling In Love, Heartache, Heartbreak, Love, Love/Hate, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-29
Updated: 2017-05-29
Packaged: 2018-11-06 10:31:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11034366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DangerRollins/pseuds/DangerRollins
Summary: Russel makes a huge mistake.





	The smell of sex

"We ain't tellin Carl about this." Russel hurriedly said as he shoved his boots on before 'fixing' his hair by ruffling it around a little. Fluffy as always,Russel left it alone, knowing that Carl probably wouldn't suspect a thing considering his hair was always big and fluffy. "Duh." The tanned boy rolled his eyes as he stood up to put his pants back on. "What do you think I'm gonna do? Find him, walk up to him and casually tell him I slept with his boyfriend? I don't think so. I'd rather not get beat to death today." He huffed. Russel glared at him as he threw his shirt on. "Nate, I'm serious. If you mention this to Carl I will find you and beat the shit out of you myself. He can't find out-" "I get it. I ain't a snitch. Chill." The boy rolled his green eyes and stared at Russel for a while longer, not knowing what to say. There was a question constantly lingering in the back of his mind as he stared at the handsome blonde boy in front of him. Why? Why would he do this to Carl?

Nate didn't know Carl personally, but he'd certainly heard of him plenty of times and he knew the guy was as dangerous as it gets. He knew people. People that could hurt you if you screwed them or their family over, and he wouldn't hesitate to get those people to kill Nate if he found out that Russel cheated with him. He'd probably get those same people to beat Russel to a pulp as well. So why would Russel be so stupid? Why would he do this? 

"Quit looking at me like that." Russel demanded as he finally broke eye contact. "And ugh- I need you to go. My mom will be back in an hour or so and I've got some cleaning up to do. Plus, I don't know where my sisters are or when they'll show up so..." he cleared his throat, trying to figure out what to say. He didn't know whether he wanted to be rude and run this guy off or if he wanted to continue being polite because, well, it's not like Nate had done anything wrong, right? Wasn't his fault Russel decided to be an asshole all of a sudden and cheat on his boyfriend of two years. But who else was Russel gonna take his anger and frustration out on? Well...He knew the answer to that. If it wasn't going to be Carl-Which it definitely wouldn't be- then it'd be himself.

"Why exactly did you want to do this?" Nate questioned, his curiosity getting the best of him. "I mean ugh-I mean we've always been around each other and you never showed any interest before now..." Nate quickly tried to cover up his real question, which was why had Russel decided to cheat on his boyfriend. His best friend. His family. Russel shrugged absentmindedly. "Only ever saw you at school. You were a bit different then...I didn't start finding you attractive until I saw you again at Kev's bar." He stated. He was telling the truth too. A month ago, Russel and Carl had gone to Kev and V's bar to sit around and watch them work since they didn't have anything better to do. Russel saw a familiar face and started speaking to him. He really hadn't been planning this. All he knew at the time was that Nate had gotten to be quite attractive since the last time they'd seen each other. He had no intentions of acting on the attraction but...

"Oh." Nate nodded. "Well..." he drifted off. He had no idea what to say now. He never knew what to say, actually. He was socially awkward and usually didn't speak to anybody but his mom and brother but now here he was, talking to a random guy from school that he'd ran into at a bar which he wasn't supposed to be at. 'How the fuck did this shit happen?' He thought to himself. He couldn't find an answer to the question to save his soul. He was just plain and flat out confused. "The doors open." Russel said before he turned away from the boy. "Not trying to rush you out or anything but..." 'Yes I am' "I have a few things to do and I'm sure you've got somewhere to be too." "Oh yeah." Nate laughed awkwardly. "Yeah I do have to go meet up with some friends." He lied. "See you later then? I mean if you want to or whatever...I'm not actually sure how this is gonna play out I just-"

"I'm not either, actually." Russel cut him off as he started rambling through his closet for no reason. "I don't mean to be too blunt but I also don't wanna lead you on. If I were you I wouldn't expect anything out of this, okay?" He asked, turning to face him again. "This was obviously very wrong and I'm not sure what's gonna happen after this...I was in a fucked up place last night so I just wanted to be with someone I guess...I don't think this'll happen again." He tried to explain the best he could but he felt like everything he said was wrong. His head was hurting and his eyes were glazed and he hadnt had anything to drink this morning but he felt like he had. This wasn't normal and he didn't know why he was feeling this way but all he knew was he hated it and there was only one person he wanted to be with right now and it wasn't Nate and it wasn't himself, either. He wanted Carl. But he also wanted to stay away from Carl. Another ongoing battle in his mind. "You must've been in a fucked up place just a minute ago too." Nate mumbled to himself. "We fucked three times." He rolled his eyes. His ass was still hurting. "Yeah dude,I get it. I'm gonna go." 

"You have my number if...If you really wanna see me again or whatever." Russel didn't know why he said it or what he meant by it but it came out of his mouth before he could think about it. Nate only nodded before he slid out of the room and closed the door behind him. Russel waited until he heard the front door close and then flopped down onto his bed again, tears filling his eyes. He had no idea what was going on anymore. Why had he called Nate two days ago, asking if he wanted to meet up? Why did he find his best clothes, put them on and then borrow his mom's car to meet up with Nate? Why had he invited him back to his place after only two hours of hanging out? Why had he spent two hours hanging out with him in the first place? Why had he been so persistent when they got back to his place? Why'd he kiss him? Why'd he ignore Carl's calls for an hour straight and why'd he wait until he and Nate were in the middle of fucking to finally pick up the phone? Why'd he tell Carl he was just at his house, watching tv by himself while he was in the middle of screwing some guy who meant nothing at all to him? Why did he cuddle the guy who meant nothing to him and fall asleep with said guy? Why did he fuck Nate again when they woke up and why was he crying now? 

'It's too late to cry now.' He thought to himself. 'You did it to your fucking self. He isn't going to forgive you when you tell him. You just ruined the longest relationship you've ever had. Congratulations. You deserve a gold medal.' Russel's thoughts were loud and annoying and he couldn't get them to slow down. He grabbed his pillow, held it to his face and screamed into it, as if that would help anything at all. He felt like he was in physical pain. His skin burning but for whatever reason he was still feeling chills down his spine. His stomach clenching as tight as it possibly could. His throat was burning, his eyes red and itchy. He was holding his breath until it hurt his lungs and only breathing when he absolutely couldn't take it anymore and then he'd repeat the process. His nostrils were burning from the smell of sex that filled his room and no amount of scented candles or air freshener was going to cover it up or make it go away. His legs felt like they were cramping yet somehow numb enough to prevent him from walking. He wanted to chop his own dick off because how fucking dare he use it to fuck someone other than Carl? He wanted to get up and shower but what was the point? He'd never quit feeling dirty. He felt disgusting. Like his existence was a nuisance. 

When he heard the front door open and close again, his body somehow went back to normal. Of course, normal to him was numb, but at least it wasn't hot and cold and achey. He sniffled a little, roughly wiped the tears that slid down his face away, blinked a few times to make sure no more could escape, stood up and looked into the mirror, and he put his least favorite, fakest accessory on. His smile.  
"Russ!" Someone shouted. It was his mom. 'Show time.' He thought. 'Do what you always do. Smile. Be a big boy. A happy boy. Be normal.' He felt so damn robotic. He felt like he wasn't even in his body anymore. He'd lost all control. He wasn't him anymore. And at this point he didn't know if he ever would be. "Hey mom!" He shouted back as he walked toward his door and opened it. "Missed you!" No he didn't. He was too busy fucking Nate to miss anybody.

"Oh I missed you too!" She smiled, giving him a big hug. He was taller than her so she buried her head in the nape of his neck, squeezing him tightly. For a minute, he didn't hug back. Left his arms at his sides, dropped his smile and looked straight ahead. Then he realized if he didn't hug back she'd assume something was wrong and he couldn't have that. So he wrapped his arms around her and hugged her tightly. She smelled of sex too, although she'd tried to hide it with the smell of peppermint and cigarettes and cheap perfume. Or was that smell still him? Was that him? No it had to be her.

"How was your day?" She asked as she pulled away, messing with his hair. She sighed a little to herself although he didn't notice. She knew what he'd been up to while she was gone and she hoped he was being safe. "What did you get up to?" She asked. She knew he'd lie to her but she wished he wouldn't. He used to tell her everything no matter how he thought she'd react. Now she barely ever saw him or spoke to him. Wasn't his fault. It was hers.

"Nothing." He shrugged, looking away from her. She was slightly shocked. Now he couldn't even find it in himself to lie to her? He just left it at a simple 'nothing'? She tried her best to keep smiling and nodded, stepping back and placing her hands on her hips. "Well how's Carl?" She asked, thinking it'd perk him up. Usually any time he spoke of Carl he couldn't keep the grin off his face. This time he just shrugged again and he didn't even answer the question. "I..." she tried to think of something to say but nothing at all came to mind. "I...ugh-We could eat dinner-I  
mean together, tonight. We haven't done that in a while. I'm not sure the girls would join us, they've all got their own little plans you know?" She stuttered. "Did you sleep with someone?" Russel questioned, catching her off guard. He hadn't meant to ask but it was the only thing going through his mind now. Her eyes widened and her hands slid off her hips and found their way to her arms, rubbing them. "No..." she mumbled quietly. She was telling the truth but even she knew she looked suspicious. It's just that she hadn't been expecting him to ask that...Not at all. "I think you have." He shrugged. "Well I haven't." She stated firmly. "Why would you ask me that?" 

"Why are you so defensive? Must mean you did." He insisted. She shook her head. "No, I'm not defensive I'm curious. Last time you asked me something like that you were twelve years old." She giggled a little, trying to make it less awkward. "Why are you laughing? Do you think I'm a joke?" He questioned, narrowing his eyes. She shook her head again. "No...You're acting weird, Russel...Is everything okay? What's happened?" "Nothing." He spat. "N-Nothing...I'm sorry I'm just not feeling well. I'm- I don't know. I really don't know mom. I don't know." He was nearly whining as he looked at her, tears filling his eyes again. "I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know." He whispered. "Something's wrong with me, mom."

"It's okay sweetheart." She tried to soothe him by hugging him again. She felt his tears fall knher shoulder as his shoulders shook. She hadn't seen him cry in so long...She hadn't noticed anything was wrong with him .What was wrong with him? "It's not okay." He cried. "I'm not okay and there's something wrong with me and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm me. I'm sorry I'm fucked up, mom. I'm so sorry. I fucked up."

"Hey you're not fucked up, you're okay. You're perfect darling, it's okay. Please calm down." She walked them over to the couch and sat with him. He laid his head on her lap, like he used to when he was little and it hurt her heart. She should've been around more, maybe she would've known he was hurting if she had. Maybe he wouldn't be hurting at all if she was. "Tell me what's going on." She mumbled, mostly to herself. She really wasn't expecting him to answer, because he was too busy constantly muttering the word 'Sorry' to himself, but once again he shocked her. "I cheated on Carl." He sobbed. "I slept with somebody else. I ruined our relationship. It's over. He's not gonna forgive me for this. He's gonna be so hurt."

"Why did you do it?" She asked him calmly, making sure to rub his hair softly as she did. She didn't want him to think she was judging him. She wanted him to know she was just listening. Just trying to understand. "I...I needed someone." He mumbled. "Someone different. To take my problems out on. Not him." "I'm not understanding, darling." She sighed. "What problems? What's going on? Why couldn't you go to him?" 

Russel sighed. "I've not been feeling like myself. Everything is wrong. I can't do anything right. I'm not happy. I don't know why. I didn't want Carl to know that. Didn't wanna talk about it. I like when he's happy and he's happy when I'm happy. And you're happy when I'm happy. Everyone is happy when I'm happy so I have to be happy. For Everyone. I have to be logical I have to be cool headed I have to be happy I have to be perfect." He spoke quickly. "I feel like I have no right to be anything but happy and perfect and that is just absolutely exhausting." "I know it must be." She mumbled. "I'm so sorry you feel this way, Russ. Listen I know how it is putting on a facade, making people think nothing is ever wrong. It's tiring, it's terrible. It makes everything hurt so much worse. It will drive you crazy! So stop doing that shit. I will love you whether you're happy or sad and so will Carl, I promise you. You are always there for him and he will always be there for you." "Maybe not now that I've done this." Russel sighed. "I've gotta talk to him soon...Feel free to disagree." 

"No you're right you need to talk to him immediately. ASAP. As soon as possible. Now. Right. Now. N-O-W. Now-" "Okay, mama, thanks." Russel cut her off, rolling his eyes. "Thanks." He muttered again. "I love you." "I love you too." She smiled. "And dinner tonight is a must. I'm sure there's plenty more to talk about." "Yes ma'am." He smiled.

******

Russel's heart was beating almost as fast as his legs were carrying him. He couldn't figure out why in the hell he was damn near sprinting to get to Carl's when he didn't wanna talk to him any time soon. He didn't wanna admit what he'd done, didn't wanna see the look on his face when he found out. Didn't want the inevitable to happen...He didn't want this to be the end. His ears were ringing, his breaths short and fast. He could feel his heart breaking already. Carl would be so hurt, so upset, so disappointed. And there would be no one to blame but the cheater himself.

Before he knew it, Russel was standing outside of the door. He felt even guiltier than he'd already been feeling when he pulled out the key Carl had trusted him with and unlocked the door. He stepped inside as quietly as possible and took a look around. Nobody was in the living room, luckily, so he slipped further into the house, his feet carrying him towards Carl's bedroom door. 'Now or never.' He thought to himself. Never sounded so damn good but he knocked on the door anyways. Carl shouted a loud 'Come in!' And Russel stepped through the door. Carl's eyes lit up as soon as he saw the blonde boy and he jumped up from his bed and hugged him so tightly. "I missed you!" He nearly shouted, a small laugh escaping his sweet voice. Russel felt even guiltier than before. Would he ever find another boy like this one? Would he ever find someone who loved him just as much as Carl loved him? He wished he could say yes. Then maybe being without Carl would suck a little less. But really, how likely was it that he'd find somebody else that not only loved him to death, but who he was in love with as well? Not likely at all. 'Sabotaging my own happiness is all I seem to be good at these days.' He thought.

"What's wrong, babe?" Carl asked as he pulled away from the hug. He saw the tears in Russel's eyes and his heart started beating faster. Russel was paler than usual and he didn't seem focused at all. He was fine last time they'd seen each other. What changed? "Did something happen to one of your sisters?" Carl asked. "Did somebody die?!" He panicked. Russel shook his head. "Not yet." He chuckled dryly. "I ugh-" Russel cleared his throat, took a step back from Carl and looked away from him. "I have something to tell you. It's bad." "What is it?" Carl asked softly. Russel shut his eyes. "I need you to hear me out. Okay? I need you to not...Tune me out. Get so pissed that you don't listen. I just need you to listen. To everything." Carl nodded. "I promise." Russel sighed and nodded too. "I cheated on you." He started. 

******

Debbie watched intently as Cole played with Franny, tickling her stomach and kissing her cheeks and wiggling her around. She seemed even happier than usual and she had only cried once all day. For that, Debbie was forever grateful. She and Cole had decided to spend the day at his house and that's exactly what they did. Debbie got there at 10am, met Cole's grandmother who'd been just as polite as he was, then she and Cole cooked breakfast together, watched two movies together, played board games together and played with Franny together. It'd been the perfect day and Debbie didn't want it to end, but she knew she had to get home soon. It was almost dinner time and she didn't want to overstay her welcome. She sighed a little and then stood up. "I think me and Fran Fran should get going now." She said, trying not to sound so disappointed. Cole nodded, although he was trying to quickly think of an excuse to keep her near him for just a little while longer. "Yeah, okay." He smiled at her as he stood up too, Franny still in his arms. "I had a lot of fun with you today! And my grandma likes you so that's a plus." He laughed. Debbie laughed too as she took Franny from his arms gently, which caused her to whine. "I like her too!" Cole nodded, not knowing what to say and he stared at her for a moment. He just couldn't help it. 

"What?" She giggled. He smiled a little before he stared to frown. "I...You know what." He sighed. "This is going to get me nowhere. Absolutely nowhere." He shook his head as he plopped down onto the couch. Debbie sat Franny down on the play mat they'd put on the floor for her before taking a seat next to Cole. "What are you talking about?" She asked him. He rubbed his face with his hands and then covered his eyes. "I like you." He nearly shouted. "I think you're adorable and I like hanging out with you and listening to the things you have to say and I enjoy all your weird habits and I like getting to spend time with Franny and seeing you interact with her." He rushed out. "I don't know how you feel about me but all I know is, all I've wanted to do since I first saw you was kiss you." He added quickly. "Jesus fuck I've ruined the shit outta this little dynamic we had going on." 

"Well that's...Well." Debbie laughed nervously. "I don't not like you." She said slowly. "I do like you." She nodded. He uncovered his eyes. "Really?" She nodded again. "Yeah but...You know I haven't exactly made the best dating decisions in the past. I tried getting with a guy way older than me, I got knocked up by one of the first guys ever remotely interested in me...On purpose. Those were dark times, don't judge me...I will not even mention the rest. The point is- I don't trust myself as far as I can throw myself and I don't think it's possible to throw myself. If I start dating you you'll turn out to be a serial killer or something." She rolled her eyes at herself and Cole laughed. "I get it. I haven't had good relationships either...The last girl I dated was 25 years old and addicted to meth. I think she was a prostitute too, but who knows." He shrugged. Debbie raised a brow at him. "I'm not judging!" He defended himself. "To each their own! Gotta make your money somehow! I'm just saying that I'd prefer to not date a prostitute in the future."

"Right." She said. "Listen, I'm going to kiss you right now, okay? Short and sweet because Franny is in the room. But let me tell you before I do, if I find out you're on or dealing drugs, into stealing cars, or into killing animals just to see what's inside of them, I'm going to murder you. Got it?" She asked. "All I heard was I'm going to kiss you." He smirked before leaning in. Just as she said, the kiss was short and sweet, but it was good. Her cheeks turned red when he pulled away and looked her in the eyes. She turned even redder when he sent her a sly grin, because he'd noticed her blush. "Let's get you home, beautiful."

******

Debbie kissed Cole again before she got out of his car and walked into the house. She put Franny down once she stepped in and the red haired child crawled to her little play area and started banging toys together. Debbie made her way down the hall, about to go to her room to change but she heard the sound of someone crying and it was coming from Carl's room. Without knocking, she went in and the first thing she saw was Carl curled up on the floor, a whole empty vodka bottle right next to him. "Carl what the fuck-" she mumbled. "What happened?" She asked as she slid down next to him and wrapped her arm around him. "He..." Carl couldn't even talk. He couldn't say it. He was a mess. A broken mess. 

"It's gonna be okay." She whispered to him, but he probably didn't hear it because he was too busy sobbing loudly right into her shoulder. She was beyond worried. She'd never seen him like this before. She couldn't say she'd never seen him cry, because she had quite a few times. But it was never like this. He was barely breathing because he was crying so hard, his veins bulging, his nose running and his face turning red from the lack of oxygen. He looked like he was going to get sick at any moment and it was scaring the hell out of Debbie. All she could do was hold him and tell him he'd be okay and she felt terrible because she felt like that just wasn't enough. She wanted so badly to know what had upset him so much, but she knew now wasn't the time to ask.

Did she even have to ask? Debbie wanted to act like she didn't know what could cause him to break down like this. Wanted to believe that it wasn't what she thought it was, but she already knew exactly what happened. It was Russel, no doubt, because nobody else in this world could ever make Carl cry like this. It was Russel because Carl didn't care about anyone as much as he cared about Russel.

Carl felt pathetic as he cried uncontrollably in front of his sister. He was supposed to be strong. He was to comfort her when she was upset not the other way around. But he couldn't help it. Russel had broken him completely. Two fucking years they'd spent together. Damn near every day they'd seen each other. 'I love you so much' they'd claimed. 'You're the only one I really want' 'You're good enough, nobody could replace you' 'You mean everything to me.' 'I'll always be here for you.' 'You'll never fail to make me happy.' 'We're forever.' Bull fucking shit. Carl felt like the dumbest person in the world. He had to be. Nobody else would've ever fallen for that shit. Who was he kidding? How could he ever think for even a second that he could be happy with a boy in the South side without something going wrong? Why would he ever assume that he, a fucking Gallagher, could be that happy? And it wasn't even that he was a Gallagher. It was that he was Carl Gallagher and Carl Gallagher just wasn't made for happiness.

'Why wasn't I good enough for him?' He asked himself. 'Why does this hurt so much?' He wanted to be tough, unbothered and unaffected. Wanted to brush it off because really, there'd be other guys right? There'd be other girls. Someone would come along and they'd be so much better than Russel. Smarter, more attractive, nicer. But really, who was better than Russel? Who could replace him? Someone smarter? Someone nicer? Someone more attractive? Nope. Didn't exist. 

Carl couldn't figure out how he'd ever get over this boy, who he'd loved so much. Who he looked forward to seeing every day. Who he loved. Who made him smile. Who he loved. Who he wanted to be around every second of every day forever. Who he loved. Who he never grew tired of. Who. He. Loved. 

But he guessed that now he'd have to go without him. He'd have to figure out how to function without having someone to call his. He'd have to figure out how he'd get used to waking up and not having someone next to him to look at and adore or to call if he wasn't there with him. He'd have to figure out how to go back to having no one to speak to about any and everything. He'd have to figure out how to stop missing this fucking guy who he'd sold a gun to and made out with in a car and who'd met his family and who'd been through everything with him. His partner in crime, his other half. Gone. Just like that. 

The worst part was that Carl couldn't ever hate him. Couldn't even be pissed. He was too busy being worried. What Russel had told him earlier had scared the fuck out of him. 

"I've been going through a lot but I didn't want you to know." He played with his fingers and looked down as he spoke, ashamed. "My...you know my dads around. I've seen him a few times...I'm scared, Carl. My mom doesn't know. I'm terrified every second of every day that he'll decide to hurt her again. Or one of my sisters. Do you know what it's like to be terrified of something 24/7? It's enough to make you wanna rip your hair out strand by strand and burn your flesh off and break your own limbs and..." He sighed and hopped up, pacing the room. Carl didn't try to hide his tears as he watched the boy. "I haven't slept in three days. I mean-I have. I have." He laughed bitterly. "Two hours in three days. I'm hearing things I'm seeing things-I'm exhausted." He shook his head and shrugged his shoulders. "But I couldn't tell anyone. I had to act normal. Put on my smile and just go on because if I don't-Then what? Huh?" He shouted. "Everybody fucking goes nuts if I don't. 'Feel better,Russ.' 'Stop being sad,Russ, it makes me sad.' And I know- I know that's just what people say- They wanna cheer me up, I get it but to me...It's driving me insane!" He yelled. Carl was scared as he watched his...Ex. He was crying and he was turning purple as he yelled at the top of his lungs. "I'M NOT FUCKING OKAY AND THATS OKAY. I JUST WANT TO CRY. I WANT TO BREAK DOWN. I WANNA BE SAD SOMETIMES,IM ALLOWED TO HAVE FEELINGS. IM NOT A ROBOT. I CANT DO IT ANYMORE!" He shouted. He took a few deep breaths and then sunk down to the floor. "I don't know what's wrong with me." He whimpered. "I'm not myself anymore and it's terrifying. Sometimes I black out and I wake up and I can't remember anything. Sometimes I'll be in my room one minute and then the next thing I remember I'm at your house- some of the stuff we've done together, I can't even remember it, Carl. It's like I leave my body." He whispered. "I don't know how this happened, where it's coming from or how it started. But I know one thing. I don't deserve you and you don't deserve this. I'm sorry I cheated Carl. I'm so sorry. You know what, though? This is good. This is a good thing. Because now, there's a reason for you to leave me. You don't have to deal with me anymore Carl, you're free." He laughed sadly. 

"You need to get help." Carl whispered. "I want you to get better-" Russel flinched because this- this is what he was talking about. "You can be sad now!" Carl corrected himself quickly. "But eventually you need to get help."

"I don't deserve it." Russel muttered. 

 

Carl shuddered and sniffled before pulling away from Debbie. He was worrying like hell about Russel because when he left he was acting unhinged. Carl just wanted to know he was safe, but he couldn't bring himself to call. He wished he didn't care at all, but he did. "I wonder if he'll be okay." He said out loud. He looked at Debbie. "I don't think this will end well."

**Author's Note:**

> ahh yes another perfect part to end the series that will not actually end the series! While I was writing all I could think was 'Damn this would be a heart wrenching yet amazing way to end this series' but I just can't let it go. I've still got ideas! Also, I'm sorry this is sad. I literally had no plans of writing this but I've got no internet right now so it's all I could do and I was pretty sad while writing so this is what happened. I swear I'm only good at writing angst. All the happy chapters suck but I feel like I'm good at writing sad chapters. 
> 
> Also I didn't even write this with the intention of sending a message to anyone but when I was rereading it I noticed that it does kind of send a very important message. And that message is simply to let boys cry. They have feelings just as well. We always tell guys to cheer up and man up and act emotionless and be tough and untouchable- and that's just not what they are. They're humans too. They have feelings. They have bad days. They go through heartbreak. They feel pain. So why do we make them push that to the side? That isn't right. After a while all that shit builds up and eventually it's all gonna come out. It's not healthy, so we better stop it asap.
> 
> I don't mean to preach and believe me I didn't write this to send that message it just kind of happened I think. So I might as well speak on it! 
> 
> Thank you guys for reading, I hope you enjoyed and I'm sorry for the lack of updates! I hope there aren't too many spelling errors and I'll try my very best to write another chapter soon! Xx


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